You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
