dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
