I skipped work to stalk him.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
