I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
