If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
