That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
People in love make me want to vomit
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
