Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
