i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
