theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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