the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
