I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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