i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
