I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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