she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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