I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
