I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
