So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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