I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
