These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
