tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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