If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
