Have you finally orgasmed yet?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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