Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
