she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize