I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
