they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I didn't notice because vodka
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
