your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
