ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
