Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I puked a lego.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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