I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
