On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
