rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just sucked dick on a ferry
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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