dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
