your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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