Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
