rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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