I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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