based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
