All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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