i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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