he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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