I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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