We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize