I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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