He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
her facebook's as public as her vagina
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
