at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
