Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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