Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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