dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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