the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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