Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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