Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
