Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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