I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
