I accidentally had phone sex last night
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
