So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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