I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
