Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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