She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
