When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
