I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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