my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
