You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
