Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
