She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
